I spent many many years believing I didn't have any friends. This mostly stems from the fact that as a child I wasn't allowed to invite people over to my house to play so no one really invited me anywhere and when they did I always felt awkward and guilty because I could not reciprocate. I was also waaaay too nice. I would buy expensive gifts for friends that I don't think ever cared about me, but if I kept on giving good presents well yea... I would invite me to birthday parties too.
It's not that I didn't have friends, it's just that someone always had a best friend that wasn't me who they shared their dreams and secrets with and I was always just on the outside of that. It felt pretty shitty. I didn't know what I did for people not to trust me, when really it was probably the fact that I was so painfully shy that I almost never talked.
One of my favorite stories now (believe me it was very different when I was going through it) is that my elementary school thought I had learning problems because I had trouble reading out loud. Apparently that meant I had trouble reading in general and that I needed to be put into a special class. I was actually pretty smart but wouldn't show it. I could read just fine, in fact I loved reading... but I didn't want to speak in front of anyone. So when reading time started in class I had to leave my classroom and go to a special room with an aide who helped me and several other students learn to read.. or in my case, just speak up. Now, that wasn't all bad. Not only did I not have to talk in my regular class but every time I read out loud in this cramped room with the 5 other students I got a star...when I got a certain number of stars I got a prize. Whoever had the most stars got to pick a prize out of the box first. Who usually got to pick first? Me! That's right, I'm awesome. While everyone was in the regular class reading out loud for the teacher, I was in this room earning prizes! I think that was kind of sweet deal.
So, back to friendship. I always felt out of place. In elementary school I was super quiet and people would come up with creative ways to call me fat... this is when I developed a temper (not to mention an intense body complex). A boy would call me fat or chubby or stupid or whatever terrible thing that would come out of their mouth and out of nowhere my foot went into their knees so fast. There is only so much a child can take before they lash out. I was a kicker. I didn't have any particularly good retorts and I thought I had to stand there and take it for the longest time since every time I walked away the taunting got worse. So I started kicking. Someone probably should have taught me differently. I don't think I ever got in trouble with a yard duty and the boys weren't going to tell on me no matter how bruised their knees got. Soooo...win?
This didn't make me too popular with any of the boys and they just found new ways to get to me. I remember playing baseball with some boys and the pitcher (his name was Ryan) asked everyone to come in because I wasn't going to hit it. It was pretty sweet when I hit the ball directly at him so he had to jump and it went flying past everyone. Suckers.
From there... Junior High. Just another place for people to be cruel to me, this time it included teachers!
I had people make fun of me as I walked to my locker, I spoke up more in English class and shocked fellow students with my knowledge of "big" words... still felt like an outsider. There is one particular memory that will always stay with me. It was art class and the teacher was not nice. One day when I went up to him to show him what I had been working on and get approval, he asked me if I had been smoking in the bathroom. He accused me of this very loudly in front of the entire class..so loudly that everyone stopped working on their projects to stare at me. I stuttered a shocked and embarrassed NO. But he kept insisting I smelled like smoke and that he wouldn't tolerate it. He asked the people in line behind me to smell me and confirm that I smelled like smoke. I tried to defend myself but it was of no use, he told me to sit down and if he ever smelled smoke on me again that he would get me expelled. This was just about the most inappropriate thing a teacher could ever do to me. I should mention that I probably did smell like smoke because both of my parents smoked but I didn't know I smelled. I became even more closed off then before, wouldn't speak to anyone in art class. One day Dylan in my class decided to take one of my personal hammers away from me... I should explain why we had hammers in class, we were working on copper art work and we were requested to bring in our own hammers to complete the project since the art room didn't have enough for everyone. Dylan came up behind me, grabbed one of my hammers and ran back to his spot and started using it. If I remember correctly I got up, walked over to him and punched him in the arm as hard as I could. There was definite disturbance in the classroom and I got in trouble even though he was stealing from me. This teacher clearly did not like me. At this point I became an angry closed off person and assumed everyone was out to get me. This was of course suuuper healthy.
Now I had some friends in Junior High, many of which were with me in elementary school. We recognized each other and we hung out. I still didn't feel like I had a bond with anyone specifically. I realize now, looking back that I did. I had always considered Angela a friend, we played together, I knew her family, I felt like she was a friend but I also still felt like maybe I was weird, and I wondered if I was going to be cast aside. Not because I thought Angela was that type of person...not at all.. I was just full of insecurities. She never did cast me off. She's a good person and I am still very fond of her.
I probably had more good times in junior high than I remember. It just seems like that bad instances influenced my behavior so much that I remember them more clearly and vividly.
High School. I think High School is where I finally figured out a lot more about myself..which I assume is the case with most people. I had a regular lunch spot with a group of friends and I have fond memories of sitting in the shade eating my sandwich and watching people like Jesse goof off and romances bud between members of our group. I was still quiet but in this group...quiet was fine. I was part of it and life was just that much better.
I did have my share of torment. The same boys who were mean to me in elementary school and junior high.. continued with their trend of being assholes. One year I had a locker at the very bottom next to a wall. As you can imagine as a 5'8'' female I was not pleased with the assignment but I didn't fight it. A popular boy...Danny.. had his locker two above mine in the row. If we were there at the same time he would purposely drop books on my head and say oops and roll his eyes and laugh. Then I guess he got bored of books and wanted his friends to join him so then oranges started to get thrown at me. Why!? I have no fucking clue. I cannot tell you a single reason. I would also end up with gum stuck to my locker or other stuff chucked on it. I did nothing to these boys. I tried to ignore them, tried to be friends, tried to fight back.. none of it worked. The torment didn't just end at my locker. In English class Sophomore year I was the top student. The teacher at one point knew that I was able to answer every question so he stopped allowing me to raise my hand and would only call on me if no one else could give him the correct answer. It felt good... but every time the teacher turned around crumbled paper, spit wads or erasers would be thrown at my head, or I would be called names... yay.. just what I wanted.
Junior year I was in English class and for some dumb reason the English teachers son was allowed to take his class. This kid took full advantage of it. One day he stole my entire desk. I had given up at this point so I sat down on the floor. The teacher called my name for attendance and I responded. He was so confused because he couldn't see me. He asked me where my desk was and I said that I didn't know and that I was perfectly fine on the floor. This was either pathetic or full of courage. Who knows. I just didn't even care any more. My favorite subject was being ruined by idiots. This is when my passion for school stopped. I no longer engaged it discussions, I stopped raising my hand, I could no longer remember what allegory meant and although I felt bad because on a normal basis I would know ...... I just gave up on everything. I passed the class with no problem but I no longer made an effort. I had asked about being in the AP class prior to my Junior year because my Sophomore teacher couldn't figure out why I was in his class if I was that smart, but I'm not so good with test taking so I didn't have the SAT scores they were looking for. Finally after many questions being asked I was told "oh, well if you wanted it that much you should have just told us, you can write a timed essay after school and we will see about getting you in a better class." idiots. If they had listened to me the year before I would have never had to deal with dumb-asses stealing my desk and maybe just maybe I would have been a little bit happier. I did nail the timed essay by the way and ended being taken out of the regular class and put into AP where I excelled. My hand remained raised, I was always chosen to read out loud and I did well on my tests and was never made fun of. Finally.. a class where I felt like I could be myself. How very refreshing. I sat behind Laura in this class and we chatted and I felt like a real teenager. The rest of my classes were mostly crap though.
Aside from my success at getting into AP English I had one other period in my schedule that made everything better.. which eventually turned into 2, then 3, then 4 and 5. Choir. Choir was my savior. It was full of drama but at least I got to sing. I started off with Women's Glee, anyone could join as long as they were female.. solid... I enjoyed myself so much that I then joined the co-ed choir that met at Zero period..which I didn't even know existed. Zero period!? I had to get to school before 1st period to learn music. I was often late and scrambling to get in the door before the teacher locked it but it was worth it. At one point I was in 4 choir groups. (rehearsal was zero period....3rd period? during lunch and after school) I felt really please with myself. I started off super shy in women's glee, but one day out of no where I decided to stop being nervous and when I auditioned for a solo I burst out with such force and conviction that I got it! and I realized.. Oh snap, I'm finally being recognized, I am finally free and I shook off my insecurity for choir and started just doing my thing. That did take awhile though simply because I had a moment where I went to audition for a solo prior to that and before I started the teacher said "you know we can't lower this for you" well that shot all my confidence and I squeaked and cried. My choir peeps were what got me through high school as well as the drama kids. Remember just a but ago when I mentioned a group of friends I would eat lunch with? Well most of those people went to play rehearsal after school and I would walk with them and hang out until their rehearsal started. I was pretty jealous that they had somewhere to go. Well..I was in the right place at the right time. They were rehearsing A Midsummer Nights Dream and I was standing in the doorway watching while waiting for my mom to pick me up. This day the teacher could not take the absences and the lateness anymore and he went on the biggest yelling rant I have ever witnessed. I watched it all.. stunned.. mostly I was just too scared to walk away. He then came up to me and said "you're here more than the rest of these people, you're in the show now" It wasn't the most glamorous way to get started in acting but I'm sure glad it happened. Between choir and drama I finally felt like I had some friends. I was still horrifically depressed and often awkward but at least I had people to say hello to in the halls and sit with and giggle with. I started bonding with people. The next year I was able to add Drama to my schedule and I was delighted. I had two rooms (the choir and the drama room) where I felt like I was home. It was a good feeling.
One by one my older friends graduated and I was sad, there were special to me, but I still had my core group and the younger people in choir and drama crazily looked up to me. I had found my spot.
It should be no surprise that I went on to apply to college for a Music Major. (actually...crazy story about that. I was looking at majors in Botany, Geology. Oceanography, Music and Theater and mostly back east. I have always been quite eclectic in my interests)
I'm going to skip past the story of my friendships in college. it's long and involved. Just know that Opera students are crazy and wonderful. I only spent a year in the Opera program because I didn't feel like I was getting the education I needed so I moved over to the theater department where I met some of my bestest friends. You may know them as the ones chanting State School if you are a Sacred Fools regular.
After college I was sure I wanted to be a stage manager and I worked with several companies but finally found a permanent home at Sacred Fools. Although I didn't arrive there as a stage manager. I arrived at Sacred Fools as an actress but stuck around doing various things.
This is the place where my friends are. There is an entire building of them! I may not be hanging out with them every night of the week but when I show up for Serial Killers or any other show I am met with smiles and chit chat and that is pretty damn great. We have our issues and I still feel like an outcast from time to time but I know that I'm wanted and I think I would be missed if I went away, which is a pretty great feeling.
In the beginning I thought maybe people didn't like me, but I realize that isn't true. I'm not always going to be the first person invited somewhere because I still have the part of me that tries to fade into the scenery but people who have taken the time to get to know me appreciate my presence and that's what feels good. Being appreciated. It's all I ever wanted.
To those of you who like, love, adore me.. whatever word you use.. just to let you know.. it's reciprocated. If you took the time to put me in your life and your heart, rest assured you are in mine. (unless you're a dick...stop being a dick and I'll re-evaluate)
let's be friends m'kay!
It's not that I didn't have friends, it's just that someone always had a best friend that wasn't me who they shared their dreams and secrets with and I was always just on the outside of that. It felt pretty shitty. I didn't know what I did for people not to trust me, when really it was probably the fact that I was so painfully shy that I almost never talked.
One of my favorite stories now (believe me it was very different when I was going through it) is that my elementary school thought I had learning problems because I had trouble reading out loud. Apparently that meant I had trouble reading in general and that I needed to be put into a special class. I was actually pretty smart but wouldn't show it. I could read just fine, in fact I loved reading... but I didn't want to speak in front of anyone. So when reading time started in class I had to leave my classroom and go to a special room with an aide who helped me and several other students learn to read.. or in my case, just speak up. Now, that wasn't all bad. Not only did I not have to talk in my regular class but every time I read out loud in this cramped room with the 5 other students I got a star...when I got a certain number of stars I got a prize. Whoever had the most stars got to pick a prize out of the box first. Who usually got to pick first? Me! That's right, I'm awesome. While everyone was in the regular class reading out loud for the teacher, I was in this room earning prizes! I think that was kind of sweet deal.
So, back to friendship. I always felt out of place. In elementary school I was super quiet and people would come up with creative ways to call me fat... this is when I developed a temper (not to mention an intense body complex). A boy would call me fat or chubby or stupid or whatever terrible thing that would come out of their mouth and out of nowhere my foot went into their knees so fast. There is only so much a child can take before they lash out. I was a kicker. I didn't have any particularly good retorts and I thought I had to stand there and take it for the longest time since every time I walked away the taunting got worse. So I started kicking. Someone probably should have taught me differently. I don't think I ever got in trouble with a yard duty and the boys weren't going to tell on me no matter how bruised their knees got. Soooo...win?
This didn't make me too popular with any of the boys and they just found new ways to get to me. I remember playing baseball with some boys and the pitcher (his name was Ryan) asked everyone to come in because I wasn't going to hit it. It was pretty sweet when I hit the ball directly at him so he had to jump and it went flying past everyone. Suckers.
From there... Junior High. Just another place for people to be cruel to me, this time it included teachers!
I had people make fun of me as I walked to my locker, I spoke up more in English class and shocked fellow students with my knowledge of "big" words... still felt like an outsider. There is one particular memory that will always stay with me. It was art class and the teacher was not nice. One day when I went up to him to show him what I had been working on and get approval, he asked me if I had been smoking in the bathroom. He accused me of this very loudly in front of the entire class..so loudly that everyone stopped working on their projects to stare at me. I stuttered a shocked and embarrassed NO. But he kept insisting I smelled like smoke and that he wouldn't tolerate it. He asked the people in line behind me to smell me and confirm that I smelled like smoke. I tried to defend myself but it was of no use, he told me to sit down and if he ever smelled smoke on me again that he would get me expelled. This was just about the most inappropriate thing a teacher could ever do to me. I should mention that I probably did smell like smoke because both of my parents smoked but I didn't know I smelled. I became even more closed off then before, wouldn't speak to anyone in art class. One day Dylan in my class decided to take one of my personal hammers away from me... I should explain why we had hammers in class, we were working on copper art work and we were requested to bring in our own hammers to complete the project since the art room didn't have enough for everyone. Dylan came up behind me, grabbed one of my hammers and ran back to his spot and started using it. If I remember correctly I got up, walked over to him and punched him in the arm as hard as I could. There was definite disturbance in the classroom and I got in trouble even though he was stealing from me. This teacher clearly did not like me. At this point I became an angry closed off person and assumed everyone was out to get me. This was of course suuuper healthy.
Now I had some friends in Junior High, many of which were with me in elementary school. We recognized each other and we hung out. I still didn't feel like I had a bond with anyone specifically. I realize now, looking back that I did. I had always considered Angela a friend, we played together, I knew her family, I felt like she was a friend but I also still felt like maybe I was weird, and I wondered if I was going to be cast aside. Not because I thought Angela was that type of person...not at all.. I was just full of insecurities. She never did cast me off. She's a good person and I am still very fond of her.
I probably had more good times in junior high than I remember. It just seems like that bad instances influenced my behavior so much that I remember them more clearly and vividly.
High School. I think High School is where I finally figured out a lot more about myself..which I assume is the case with most people. I had a regular lunch spot with a group of friends and I have fond memories of sitting in the shade eating my sandwich and watching people like Jesse goof off and romances bud between members of our group. I was still quiet but in this group...quiet was fine. I was part of it and life was just that much better.
I did have my share of torment. The same boys who were mean to me in elementary school and junior high.. continued with their trend of being assholes. One year I had a locker at the very bottom next to a wall. As you can imagine as a 5'8'' female I was not pleased with the assignment but I didn't fight it. A popular boy...Danny.. had his locker two above mine in the row. If we were there at the same time he would purposely drop books on my head and say oops and roll his eyes and laugh. Then I guess he got bored of books and wanted his friends to join him so then oranges started to get thrown at me. Why!? I have no fucking clue. I cannot tell you a single reason. I would also end up with gum stuck to my locker or other stuff chucked on it. I did nothing to these boys. I tried to ignore them, tried to be friends, tried to fight back.. none of it worked. The torment didn't just end at my locker. In English class Sophomore year I was the top student. The teacher at one point knew that I was able to answer every question so he stopped allowing me to raise my hand and would only call on me if no one else could give him the correct answer. It felt good... but every time the teacher turned around crumbled paper, spit wads or erasers would be thrown at my head, or I would be called names... yay.. just what I wanted.
Junior year I was in English class and for some dumb reason the English teachers son was allowed to take his class. This kid took full advantage of it. One day he stole my entire desk. I had given up at this point so I sat down on the floor. The teacher called my name for attendance and I responded. He was so confused because he couldn't see me. He asked me where my desk was and I said that I didn't know and that I was perfectly fine on the floor. This was either pathetic or full of courage. Who knows. I just didn't even care any more. My favorite subject was being ruined by idiots. This is when my passion for school stopped. I no longer engaged it discussions, I stopped raising my hand, I could no longer remember what allegory meant and although I felt bad because on a normal basis I would know ...... I just gave up on everything. I passed the class with no problem but I no longer made an effort. I had asked about being in the AP class prior to my Junior year because my Sophomore teacher couldn't figure out why I was in his class if I was that smart, but I'm not so good with test taking so I didn't have the SAT scores they were looking for. Finally after many questions being asked I was told "oh, well if you wanted it that much you should have just told us, you can write a timed essay after school and we will see about getting you in a better class." idiots. If they had listened to me the year before I would have never had to deal with dumb-asses stealing my desk and maybe just maybe I would have been a little bit happier. I did nail the timed essay by the way and ended being taken out of the regular class and put into AP where I excelled. My hand remained raised, I was always chosen to read out loud and I did well on my tests and was never made fun of. Finally.. a class where I felt like I could be myself. How very refreshing. I sat behind Laura in this class and we chatted and I felt like a real teenager. The rest of my classes were mostly crap though.
Aside from my success at getting into AP English I had one other period in my schedule that made everything better.. which eventually turned into 2, then 3, then 4 and 5. Choir. Choir was my savior. It was full of drama but at least I got to sing. I started off with Women's Glee, anyone could join as long as they were female.. solid... I enjoyed myself so much that I then joined the co-ed choir that met at Zero period..which I didn't even know existed. Zero period!? I had to get to school before 1st period to learn music. I was often late and scrambling to get in the door before the teacher locked it but it was worth it. At one point I was in 4 choir groups. (rehearsal was zero period....3rd period? during lunch and after school) I felt really please with myself. I started off super shy in women's glee, but one day out of no where I decided to stop being nervous and when I auditioned for a solo I burst out with such force and conviction that I got it! and I realized.. Oh snap, I'm finally being recognized, I am finally free and I shook off my insecurity for choir and started just doing my thing. That did take awhile though simply because I had a moment where I went to audition for a solo prior to that and before I started the teacher said "you know we can't lower this for you" well that shot all my confidence and I squeaked and cried. My choir peeps were what got me through high school as well as the drama kids. Remember just a but ago when I mentioned a group of friends I would eat lunch with? Well most of those people went to play rehearsal after school and I would walk with them and hang out until their rehearsal started. I was pretty jealous that they had somewhere to go. Well..I was in the right place at the right time. They were rehearsing A Midsummer Nights Dream and I was standing in the doorway watching while waiting for my mom to pick me up. This day the teacher could not take the absences and the lateness anymore and he went on the biggest yelling rant I have ever witnessed. I watched it all.. stunned.. mostly I was just too scared to walk away. He then came up to me and said "you're here more than the rest of these people, you're in the show now" It wasn't the most glamorous way to get started in acting but I'm sure glad it happened. Between choir and drama I finally felt like I had some friends. I was still horrifically depressed and often awkward but at least I had people to say hello to in the halls and sit with and giggle with. I started bonding with people. The next year I was able to add Drama to my schedule and I was delighted. I had two rooms (the choir and the drama room) where I felt like I was home. It was a good feeling.
One by one my older friends graduated and I was sad, there were special to me, but I still had my core group and the younger people in choir and drama crazily looked up to me. I had found my spot.
It should be no surprise that I went on to apply to college for a Music Major. (actually...crazy story about that. I was looking at majors in Botany, Geology. Oceanography, Music and Theater and mostly back east. I have always been quite eclectic in my interests)
I'm going to skip past the story of my friendships in college. it's long and involved. Just know that Opera students are crazy and wonderful. I only spent a year in the Opera program because I didn't feel like I was getting the education I needed so I moved over to the theater department where I met some of my bestest friends. You may know them as the ones chanting State School if you are a Sacred Fools regular.
After college I was sure I wanted to be a stage manager and I worked with several companies but finally found a permanent home at Sacred Fools. Although I didn't arrive there as a stage manager. I arrived at Sacred Fools as an actress but stuck around doing various things.
This is the place where my friends are. There is an entire building of them! I may not be hanging out with them every night of the week but when I show up for Serial Killers or any other show I am met with smiles and chit chat and that is pretty damn great. We have our issues and I still feel like an outcast from time to time but I know that I'm wanted and I think I would be missed if I went away, which is a pretty great feeling.
In the beginning I thought maybe people didn't like me, but I realize that isn't true. I'm not always going to be the first person invited somewhere because I still have the part of me that tries to fade into the scenery but people who have taken the time to get to know me appreciate my presence and that's what feels good. Being appreciated. It's all I ever wanted.
To those of you who like, love, adore me.. whatever word you use.. just to let you know.. it's reciprocated. If you took the time to put me in your life and your heart, rest assured you are in mine. (unless you're a dick...stop being a dick and I'll re-evaluate)
let's be friends m'kay!
RSS Feed